Some days all I wish for in life is to find somebody I can be as close and at ease with as two of my friends are to each other. It is inspiring being in their presence and seeing the strength and intimacy of their relationship. They have a common ground all of their own and are so woven into each other’s life that it is hard to imagine a future without them together.
It is a bit isolated and quiet being outside that bubble, but obviously it is unthinkable to intrude. Plus it’s enough to bask in their warmth like a sunflower in the light of the sun. And enjoy the non-human company of the cats, with whom my actions and emotions do not have to be self-evaluated. Plus, they are fuzzy (the cats, not necessarily my friends).
But all of this self-reflection is part and parcel of the friend experience for me. Enjoy the people time while unsuccessfully trying to keep all of the negative thoughts out of mind, then they come flooding in once I’m alone. It’s a rather rapid turnaround that gives me whiplash every time. Not to say I don’t enjoy hanging out with my friends, I just wish my mood wasn’t so dependent on being in other people’s presence when I so clearly think of myself as undeserving of it.
Also, for all of this self-narration and observation I am no clearer on understanding my own actions and emotions, which is frustrating. I would rather be unknowing of my own motivations and not thinking of them at all than over-thinking and unknowing them. It’s rather like being an alien in my own mind except the idea of having a concrete self-identity to ground myself in seems equally alien. How on earth do people know who they are with any surety?
On one hand I accept the idea that in general it is better to strive for that self-identification and belief in your own self-worth. Most days however it seems like I am too worn and molded into the belief that of everyone, I know myself the least and need the directions of others to not totally fuck up everything in my life.
I got off topic. But really, it seems deceitful to be friends with people when I’m not sure who I am and thus am always presenting some sort of a front to the world.
Gah. Depressing thoughts and all. I do not like this vomiting of my thoughts out into the world. It is needy and pathetic and disgusting since I know people I know can read this. I should want these thoughts locked up away far away from their eyes and ears. It’s cathartic in only the smallest of senses and probably not worth all the turmoil. Yet like many things I do it anyway without any real insight into my own actions.